Real is Real

This place is real. I don’t know of another way to put it and even want to.  I can’t write this eloquently because I don’t think real is eloquent.  It’s actually the contrary, but most don’t see it this way, which infuriates me and makes me question the authenticity of this persons reality.  I am not mad at these individuals, I actually relate to them.  We take things at face value and accept things without a degree of skepticism (Read “The 5 Ways to Practice Positive Skepticism” https://www.intellectualtakeout.org/blog/5-ways-practice-positive-skepticism). Real can be found everywhere despite the counterfeit personalities which encompass us. We have to look for them and not take anything at face value. As I’ve contemplated this thought process I’ve come to understand it does not mean to be uncivil to those who we come in contact with, but the opposite.  Express from the start who you are and do not conform to the personalities around you and don’t be apologetic for being different.  Embrace your uniqueness and find a way to share it, the world needs it. Love without bounds and in doing so you will see those who will do the same for you. 

Like I said previously, Guinea-Bissau is real, it doesn’t hold back in anything and I envy it.  It maybe hard for you to comprehend but I see the environment, atmosphere, people, hardships, and beauty as a personality, a personality I crave.  It cannot deceive and it does not try to. It is what you see, completely transparent and open for you to admire or rebuke, its up to you to decide.  I’ve tried to understand why it is this way and I cannot completely grasp a reasoning for this lifestyle, but what I have discerned is it is beautiful, not because it is a fantasy but because it is bona fide beauty.  They don’t seek to masquerade their weaknesses  because they can’t. If the rain falls and the tempests roar their rusty tin roofs will violently rip off their skeletons of a home landing wherever and on whomever it pleases.  The atmosphere is lackadaisical in the way we lack in many developed countries, there is not a clock on every corner screaming at us or a boss threatening unemployment due to tardiness. If you are in a hurry you’re in the wrong.  The people, the realest it gets. It does not take longer than a hello for you to be taken in, for you to be loved. I’m not talking about the love from stranger to stranger but genuine love which cannot be described, only felt.  There are very few whom I have felt this love from and whom I have felt this love for.  They all have problems but don’t and can’t hide them.  In order for you to survive you need to combat your weaknesses with others strengths vise versa-It’s beautiful there is no room for deception.  The hardships, there is death but it is not masked by grief but beautiful pain and an acceptance of its presence.  Food is not for pleasure but to quench the stomach pains of hunger.  These traits which encompass each other is the living breath and personality of Guinea-Bissau.

All of these together bring a personality which speaks to me, often times in a manner of rebuking.  It didn’t take long for it to speak to me and baffles me as to why I listened, sometimes it even makes me wonder what this place really is, fiction or reality.  I think I can feel the beat of its heart as I walk the trash riddled streets or hear it breath when I see kids play soccer with beer bottles placed as goals.  One day I may come to understand these impressions are what I think them to be.  

I want to elaborate on the personality trait of relationships and how the people of Guinea-Bissau have guided me to the correct way to invest in one.  Guinea-Bissau is a place where in order to survive you must rely on others-To give and expect to be given, there is no room for pride.  You simply can’t make it on your own and I’ve come to accept that and realize the value in helping, but more importantly being helped.  I’m not sure why we have it weaved into our personalities that receiving help is a form of weakness and a declaration of failure.  Receiving help is how we acknowledge our shortcomings, not accepting them.  I have too many weaknesses to count and everyday they chain me to my selfish desires but there are those placed around me to combat those weaknesses.  I am not afraid to admit one of my weaknesses is the absence of confidence. This may come off as a shock to many but I think those who struggle with self confidence are also those who can easily fake it.  The ability to fake this confidence was a luxury I enjoyed at home and assumed would never have to confront.  After  minutes of me being here I knew I could not use my charismatic personality and vernacular to create a facade because I couldn’t even communicate with them.  For a few days this intimidated me and I felt myself shrinking in to a shell of personal comfort, not desiring to reach out to others.  I thought I would be here the whole time without the ability to create friendships because of the language barrier.  This was a disparaging thought and I wondered what I got myself into.  Seriously though, I didn’t know one word of creole and couldn’t even communicate enough to buy a coke at the local store.  Around the third day of being here I decided to spend sometime around my neighbors in our backyard;  We live in a small complex and share a backyard with several families.  For the first few days I had the want to go out and interact but was nervous on how I could communicate.  I finally worked  up the courage to do go out and try to communicate. I walked out and was instantly greeted with smiles but quickly there was a language barrier and I had no idea how to get past this barrier and didn’t know if I could so I just sat there.  Then they persisted to try to communicate with me and it started to work.  I realized communication is an intangible medium which is not necessarily a vernacular feat but one that is felt.  We started to communicate with our hands, our laughs, and our feelings.  Even though we didn’t necessarily know exactly what each other wanted to get across we knew what each other were feeling which was happiness and the beginning of an ironclad relationship.  Within minutes a relationship was born and not on a superficial level but a genuine relationship.  They cared for me and I cared for them.  To this day my love for them continues to grow and so does our understanding for each other.  They know how to get mad at me for not wearing shoes outside and I know how to tell them I am hungry.  It’s beautifully simple and lacks the complicated indecisiveness of language.  There are times where no matter how hard we try we cannot communicate what we want to be known but instead of frustration it usually ends with both sides laughing, understanding somethings don’t need a conclusion.  I wish my relationships were like this at home... Sometimes I wish I could tell someone my day has sucked and not have them try to elaborate on how we all have bad days but rather just sit with me.  I think that is what I am going to look for in a friend when I get home.  Someone who can’t lie, someone who doesn’t have the talent of vernacular persuasion, but most importantly, someone I can be brutally honest with.

I find myself everyday in this backyard and it has created for me a sense of belonging, one that I yearned for at home. I am different from these people but they embrace that and love it.  They make me food, help me with my laundry, and make fun of me.  At the end of the night we tell each other “I love you!”, Without any cringyness in our voices.  This kind of acceptance is one I have never felt at home.  I have always been different from those I have associated myself with.  This characteristic scares people, we are not meant to stand out but rather do what we are told to do and if we stand out we are bridled to think this kind of different is reckless.  My mind and others have tried to convince me the way I think and feel is irrational.  This is a perfect example of structural coerciveness, where we are taught there is one way to act and one way to think.  This is a society which shuns the artistic mind and those who think outside of this structure.  Beauty in this society is perception.  It is what we see, not what we feel.  Feelings and emotion are a recognition of weakness and should be hidden inside the confinement of your brain.  I have always felt exiled when I spoke my mind so I compressed sharing my thoughts but couldn’t stop the thoughts from coming.  It physically hurts to not be able to share what is on your mind in fear for being judged.  Eventually, these thoughts don’t cease but the pain of holding them in does, which is the true travesty.  You no longer feel the urge to share them and suddenly the frame of your personality is demolished and all you are left with  is the pathway society expects you to walk.  

I have come to accept my differences are beautiful. My intense emotional compass is not a weakness but rather a strength which will lead me to those in need.  As a child I tried to learn to control my emotions and when I couldn’t I was punished.  I remember a situation where I stood up against a racial slur only to be told I lacked humor.  There was no humor in the eyes of the oppressed.  My artistic abilities are not just weird but a way for me to convey my emotions and a platform to vent my frustrations of life.  In art classes we are given specific instructions on how to draw a given subject, this is bogus-who are you to tell me the way I see the world?  I asked my middle school art teacher if I could draw with crayons instead of chalk, she laughed never giving me an answer. I drew the fish with crayons and got an F.  She suppressed my creativity and punished me for being different, no one should ever been punished for being different.  This pushed me away from art which could’ve provided me a way to express myself peacefully.  

From these experiences I started to realize the world didn’t want real but rather someone who follows instructions meticulously without question.  I also started to realize I was not happy living this way but I didn’t know what to do. Every time I tried to express my authentic self it was met with too much conflict for it ever to be truly expressed. I think this is why I was lead to Guinea-Bissau and its personality, it has taught me authenticity is not only okay but the only way to true happiness.  I’m not sure of what I will come home to as I start to prepare for the inevitable return of the distant land I call home.  What I do know is I’m forever different and those around me have a choice to either admire it or rebuke it, it is up to you to decide.  Thanks to the people here I will no longer try to live a life which I know will satisfy others but one which will satisfy me and make me happy-I want to be happy.  I want to be beautiful, not in the worlds views but through the lens of authenticity. 

Thank you to those who have taken the time to read this and I hope it was as beneficial for you to read as it was for me to write.  Please keep in touch, it means a lot to me.